I have lost my identity and feel depressed. Mom’s, can you relate?
ByI’m not looking for sympathy but support from other mom’s who have either been where I am or can just give a word of advice. I feel so down these days. I really don’t think it’s postpartum depression. I would never hurt flea let alone my own baby. Thoughts of injuring my baby or myself has never crossed my mind. I think the problem is I feel trapped. I didn’t have an elaborate social life prior to getting pregnant but now I feel like I have lost what little identity I did have. I have been in this depressed state for quite some time and tried to seek help for it a few years ago without success. I don’t want to take medication so that isn’t an option. I don’t know what would help me rise out of this rut I’m in. I love my baby but I am having a tough time coping with the change in my life. I don’t feel I’m missing out on anything because as I said I really didn’t have this huge social life before. But all I do is go to work, come home, take care of the baby, watch a little TV in between, make some small talk with my husband, go to bed and get up and do it all over again the next day. I have absolutely no time for myself anymore. None. I am either tending to or holding the baby. I feel like I can’t even breathe. I do put him in the swing or high chair for a while but I always feel bad about it. My husband helps a lot but I feel like the primary caregiver. Maybe I’m not the mama type like other women. Some people seem to have a natural instinct when it comes to kids. Others develop this motherly way about them. Why haven’t I drank that kool-aid? I don’t see the baby as a bother but my lack of patience as a bother. Sometimes I just want to cry. It just seems to be one thing after the other. You conquer one obstacle but there’s always another in the way. He sleeps through the night so at least that part seems to be over, but I hate the fact that I have to pack the entire house before I can even get in the car and leave. Then I have to lug all the things around with me while I’m out. Half the time the restaurants don’t have slings we can use. They turnover a highchair which never seems to accommodate the car seat, so I spend most of the time worrying that the baby will fall out or isn’t comfortable. Another thing is it seems a lot of the bathrooms don’t have those changing tables so where am I supposed to change the baby? Most stores aren’t stroller friendly and I always feel like I’m in the way.
For the most part these things have caused me to refrain from going anywhere unless my husband is with me. It takes all the life out of me especially if it’s hot outside. Everywhere I decide to stop I have to pull the car seat in and out the car. I’d just rather stay at home at this point. My husband wants to go on vacation but I don’t see it with a four month old. I typically don’t drink when we go out anymore and if I do it’s just one. I want to be fully alert if we’re out. But what’s the point of taking a baby on vacation? We can’t even eat anymore especially when we go out. But it’s a coin toss at home, too. I feel awful for saying these things but it’s just how I feel. I know babies can’t help themselves. They’re totally dependent upon their parents to care for them. Why am I always so frustrated? It is starting to take a toll on my marriage as well because I have an even shorter temper than I did pre-pregnancy. Every little thing irritates me. When nighttime arrives I am even worse because I know I’m doomed for a lengthy bedtime process with the baby. Sometimes I feel the only relief I get is when I’m at work, and on occasion I am saddened that I have to go home because I know what the rest of the evening has in store. The baby goes to the sitter while we work and we don’t have anybody else to babysit. We really don’t have money to hire someone to watch the baby when we want to go somewhere. I have only had a break three times since the baby was born and two of those times were to attend funerals. With all I’ve said I am certain we have a bond. When I look into my child’s eyes I melt but that doesn’t erase the fact that I am frustrated. I’m not content with how things are going and get even more stressed when the baby cries non-stop. It’s not often but it does happen. I would never walk away from my family and I know that in order to be a good parent I have to be there 100% and that’s exactly what I am going to continue to do. But I think lots of people don’t like to face the reality of things. For me the reality is being a mom is so stressful.
9 Comments
May 31st, 2010 at 12:58 pm
I can. You almost described me to a tee.
Being a mother is VERY stressful. It’s okay to frustrated and anybody who tells you it’s not normal is full of crap. I don’t know what to tell you as I’m trying to adjust myself. But I can say you are not alone.
May 31st, 2010 at 1:03 pm
i didnt read this long of an entry, but just by the question, yes, lots of moms feel that way. try to find a meet up group in your area and get to hang with other moms. you can try meetup.com, thats where i met my group. it forces you to get out and about and meet other people. just remember that your baby looks to you for everything. if you are sad and down your baby might mimic that.
May 31st, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I can totally relate.
And yes, you can have post partum depression. Mine, with my first child lasted about 18 months. I didn’t really know it at the time, I thought I was just adjusting to a new life. It is a TOTAL life change. When baby #2 came along, I did seek professional counseling and it helped a little. More so for the fact that just one person would listen to me and just me. And baby #3, I felt better but so much over the top stress. And I work FT too.
The most helpful things I have found is to practice relaxation. That can be in tiny increments all day long. When I am driving, I can do some deep breathing and relax my body. If I find myself with 10 minutes, I might watch a little TV or pick up a magazine, let the dusting slide.
I keep a journal of my feelings. Just exactly like you wrote, no solutions or regrets, just got everything down on paper that I was feeling. I kept it up. It helps.
Make other mom contacts. Find a mom’s group or playgroup. Yes, even with a 4 month old, you can find one. Even if you work. Find some other moms that have similar age child. Go to the library on the weekends or just at the grocery store. It makes life easier to have a neighbor or friend to talk to.
You will get more experience with being a mom. You will learn to keep shoes by the door and a travel diaper bag in the car ready at all times. Your hair will look perfectly fine in a pony tail and you will find no one cares if your shoes don’t match. You will learn what to do when you leave diapers at home and need one when you are out. You will keep a first aid kit in the car. Your son will start to really interact with you and you will find yourself feeling immense joy at his discoveries.
If your feelings get worse, then contact a professional. But trust me when I say it will get better. It really will. Focus on what I call Getting Through The Day (GTTD). Have a short list of things to accomplish that day even if one is to ‘brush teeth’. Cross it off the list and you will feel empowered. I guarantee it.
May 31st, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Not sure what to tell you, welcome to motherhood-nobody said it was easy. Nobody said it was a breeze, I have 2 young children and expecting my third, and I’d be lying if I told you my life was stress free or that raising my children even when they’re having a tantrum or talking back is great; it isnt. However it’s part of being a mom, their hugs and kisses are worth every little thing. But you seem to find it a bother as you say to do anything and everything related to your baby! At first when I was reading your question, I thought you were a stay-at-home mom, since usually this kind of complains come from SAHMS who find it hard be at home 24/7 which is understandable.
However you go to work-you have time away from caring for your baby, adult conversation, etc!!
If you’re depressed as it seems you are, you do need to seek medical attention. Go to the doctor and you’ll need some counseling and/or medicine-depression is also a chemical imbalance so if you are asked to take medicine you will have to, it’s not about what you like or not.
May 31st, 2010 at 1:44 pm
Its the baby blues. Its completely normal, but not healthy. Even though you don’t have thoughts of hurting yourself or your child, its still most likely postpartum depression. I know because I was the same way an it lasted nearly 18 months for me. One day I just “woke up.” It even caused friction with my husband.
The sad part for me here is that I can actually read the desperation, and I hurt for you.
Here’s some tips for trying to shake yourself out of it on your own. Date your husband. You need to maintain your relationship as husband/wife and try to avoid falling into mommy/daddy mode. You have two entirely separate roles to play and you need to both define them and cherish them. Make sure that you are getting exercise, and plenty of it. It will boost your endorphins and help you to feel great about yourself and feel like you can get through anything, as well as relieving the stress that builds up. When you go out, instead of seeing it as a hassle, just always have a bag ready, so you can just get up and go on a whim. Or you can keep a bottle, formula, diaper and travel wipes in your personal bag so you don’t have to go all out with the diaper bag. AT the restaurant or stores, instead of feeling like you’re in they way, allow yourself to be pissed that these dumb people do not cater better to families at a family restaurant. My husband and I prefer booths because then you can just shove that carseat right in the seat all snug, the baby is facing you and easily accessible… works well. If you happen to visit a location without a car seat, you have options — any flat area that you can cover with a changing pad will work. I even used the open seats in our car. You just have to adapt to each situation as it occurs. Take a more proactive approach and you will feel better about the obstacles knowing that you can beat them.
You need to make time for you — just you — whether its allowing yourself a long hot bath once in a while, or scheduled workouts, getting a manicure or pedicure, finding new friends that are in a similar situation as you (new moms that work, for example), get involved with an online support group for new mom’s. And you need to find a babysitter so that you can go out with your husband and not worry about the bags and the crying and the car seats…. Just you and him like it was before, so you can realize its still the same, but better.
If the baby starts crying and won’t stop, walk away. It doesn’t hurt a baby to cry. So just set him/her in the crib, shut the door and take a minute to relax and remove yourself from the situation because the baby can tell when you’re stressed. When you have calmed down a little, go back in and start over.
The single most important thing that you can do for yourself and for your family right now is to talk to your husband and let him know exactly what you are feeling because if he doesn’t know it can tear you apart. He needs to know what you are going through because he is your biggest support system right now.
If you’ve been having problems with depression since before you had the baby you should probably talk to a professional. IMO avoid medication because I pulled out of it on my own without medication, so I believe anyone can.
Good luck! I know you’ll get through this.
May 31st, 2010 at 1:59 pm
First, I am a mum (on my hubby’s yahoo account!
) My DD is now 6 months old and yes, it can be incredibly frustrating. Please rest assured that you are not alone. Could yr hubby not help you a little more with bubs? Perhaps one night per week he could put little one to bed and leave you to take a bath or go out with a friend for an hour or two? I felt exactly as you do but I have started to put my foot down a bit more and demand me-time. I think it’s good for us and good for bubs, too. My husband has admitted that he feels closer to Ruby since taking a more active role with her. In addition to a lack of social life, I also have a very busy hotel to run at the same time, so trust me; things could be worse! I do totally agree with you on the shop thing though; not all of them are geared up, which I find amazing in this day and age but there you are; you as a consumer have a choice about where you shop. Don’t feel guilty for popping baby into a swing or on a play mat for a while either; babies need time to explore things for themselves and develop their motor skills, you’re doing them a favour! Finally big hugs- I promise you it does get easier as you adjust, it just takes a little time and be a little easier on yourself- you’re almost certainly doing far better than you think. xxx
May 31st, 2010 at 2:05 pm
I am going through the same thing myself. And I actually had a pretty social active lifestyle before having a baby. I did not have a planned pregnancy but I am old enough and financially able to have one so me and my fiancee decided to go ahead and have the baby. I love my baby to death but I get really frustrated from time to time. He is now 6 months and things are getting better but certain things remain the same. I totally relate when you talked about going out and hauling everything around and just worrying about everything. Most of my concern comes from going out in public and the baby start crying..then bothering pple. It just makes me want to stay in. Even a trip to CVS around the corner. I can’t just take the baby and go. I have to make sure everything is packed, I have to make sure baby is fed, I have to change baby, etc etc just to go down the stupid street. So I just stay in the majority of the time which I’m sure isn’t healthy. Speaking of healthy, I am so drained of energy, I never want to work out anymore and I didn’t work out while pregnant either so I let myself get over weight. Now I’m even more miserable because of that. I don’t have a whole lot of money to go shopping for clothes like I use to so I wear things I have which I only have like 3 outfits. Everything else doesn’t fit. I can also relate to the night process after getting home from work. I come from work, only to work some more! I have a baby that is difficult. If he doesn’t eat a last meal after 9pm, he will FOR SURE wake up in the middle of the night….so if he’s off schedule (he doesn’t have a strict schedule bc he does unpredictable…one day he likes to sleep for 2 hours and next he catnaps or he can only go 3 hours without eating one day and 4 hours the next) for instance, if he eats around 7 or 8, then I have to stay up until 10 or 11 just to feed him again or wake him up to feed so I don’t get woken up in the middle of the night. The list just goes on and on and on. I don’t have a solution because I am going through the same thing. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better so I’m still looking for that light at the end of the tunnel….it has gotten better since the very beginning though and he had colic. I’m sure as the baby continues to learn things will also get easier for you and you’ll find yourself having more time on your hands since the baby isn’t 100% dependent on you for everything.
May 31st, 2010 at 2:29 pm
My baby is now 9 years old, but you described me 100%. I did not think that having a baby would change the way I lived my life but oh boy it did! I thought I could have a baby and just resume my normal life. My husband and I are still together, but due to the experiences I had with our first baby, it was also our last. I was also very depressed. Like you I did not want to harm my baby or myself, and was not about to go to a doctor and go on medication. I didn’t like how things turned out. Before I got pregnant we moved to a huge city where my husband worked 6 days a week, 12 hours a day. I had no family living anywhere near us for support, and no personal friends outside of work, but like you I never really had a big social life either. After the baby came I was alone at home …with a baby that seemed to cry all the time and never sleep. I too did not have that natural motherly instinct, everything I read in the textbook that was supposed to happen did not happen for me. I was a jumbled mess because of this. When my baby cried I couldn’t even figure out half the time what she wanted or needed which made the situation even more frustrating. Breastfeeding was a nightmare too. My husband’s help was very limited because he had to work so much, so when he came home from work he was tired and did not want to be stuck with the baby all night so I could go out by myself. Then when we went to bed, I was the one that had to care for the baby when it was time for midnight feedings/changings, etc. I had to do everything for our baby, husband was pretty much zero help. He left it all up to me. We starting arguing because of this too. We did not even go to a restaurant for the first 1.5 years (unless it was a drive-thru) because of the car seat/booster seat or baby screaming in public issue. There’s even more about my past experience but I would have to write a book. Now that I think back on it, the biggest issue was not having enough time for myself or support from family members. What I really NEEDED was somebody to just take her for a few hours a day so I could do things that I enjoyed doing before the baby, or to just even sleep. My other mistake was not looking for a local “new mothers” group for support, it would have been good for me to talk with other new moms because I felt very alone. I didn’t have money for a sitter either, but you never know, maybe I could have found a mom from the group willing to sit for me if she knew how much trouble I was having or find a mom that would be willing to “swap” kids so sitting would be free for the both of us. I am sure there are other mothers wanting to do this. I wish I could help you by sitting for you, because I know exactly how you feel. You can message me if you need to talk more.
May 31st, 2010 at 2:35 pm
I happened upon your post when i googled “I feel like I have lost myself”.
No one said it would be easy, now i know why. My daughter is 4 months old and i feel almost exactly how you feel other than i did have an active social life, and I do this alone bc i am a single, working mom. (& for those wondering, I personally offer my child complete financial support) I feel i have lost my friends bc no one seems to understand why i cant just “hang out” or go out to dinner, ect.
As with you, by the time i get dressed, her dressd, her packd and in the car, not spacious SUV, i am xhausted. Then the entire drive i pray she doesnt cry bc this requires multiple stops. I HATE trying to go anywhere alone.
I breast feed & she doesnt take a passy so i am always responsible for her completely. I feel guilty when i am not with her or taking care of her bc i chose her. I love her immensely & thank God for her daily but i literally get chest pains from all the stress. I am only away from her a total of 35 hours a week & i would not change that bc she is my priority, I just feel so alone & I have never felt less like the beautiful, blonde, fun, out-going social girl i have been known to be for so long. I feel like daily i work, then go home to isolate myself in my pj’s with easy access to her food supply, go through the nightly routine and look forward to Sat when I may get to sleep until 7am…I dont want someone to do it for me all the time but it would be nice just to say “here hold her while I eat/shower/do laundry/ect,” or “could you get up with her tonight bc i am so tired”. (Btw, I write this while, i type with one hand as she naps in my other arm) I know she will only be this beautiful little baby once so I continue to try to remind myself that i cant get this time back. At times i think i should give up wanting more from life, just sell my house and move back to my small town to be near my family for a little support. Okay this has been a little therapeutic, i just want to hold on to my “cinderella” dream, who knows, mayb it is SHE that is my saving “princess” in shining armor.
Best of luck to you fellow new Mommy.
*its been almost 15 minutes since I posted this and all I could think about is how it sounded as though I thought someone should “pity” me. This made me remember this past christmas when I purchased a Bouncie seat and a pair of shoes for a 1 month old infant off of a “wish list” as part of christmas charity for a woman at a local shelter. I can’t imagaine how this woman functions every day not knowing where her child is going to sleep or how she will provide for him. I am fortuate and gratetful for everything I have and when I get down on myself I hope I remember those less fortunate than myself bc I am blessed.